Struggling

I go back and forth on how honest I want to be on this blog. Do I just post the good feelings or the bad also?
I guess I will be a little forthcoming.
Yesterday, Aaron took off work because he had a doctor's appt for his worsening poisen ivy. It was almost to the point of hospitalization for IV steroids and the doctor told him that it would probably be in his future someday, but was able to just give him a shot and a prednisone pack. It was already starting to dry up last night and I did change the sheets after he told me that every time he moved in bed the night before, the ooze from his arms would make his arms stuck to the bed. UGH! All that to say that Aaron was home yesterday morning for the "how are we going to pay for this adoption" meltdown.
I have this meltdown every so often. I guess my faith waivered and I am embarassed to say that God had given us so much and helped us throughout our whole marriage, that I hate to say I wonder what to do next.
See, we lost around $15, 000 on our last failed adoptions when countries closed. Then we spent the last 1 1/2 year -2 years paying off that money. We finally got out of debt last month. Then I was able to make myself wait until the next time we got paid and pay the $250 application fee. Now we are ready for our next step.
We need 3 or 4 pages notarized, something easily done, plus our agency fee $5200, humanitarian fee $500, homestudy review fee $100, USCIS $670, and fingerprints $180. All of these will be our next step, along with collecting our dossier paperwork, of which I already have half done to send in to our agency to be put on the waiting list. Then we wait for our referrals. When we get our referrals, another $17,000 will be due, plus travel. But that is not a bridge I need to cross right now.
However, we don't have all the fees. I guess yesterday was me saying to Aaron who is such a good listener...
On one hand I know that God wants me to stay home as much as possible and homeschool the girls, however, on the other hand, I know that God has called us to adopt 2 more children. Ok, these two hands cannot go together. I am already working a lot and the stress is bad, trying to fit work around homeschooling and family. I have been working every Friday and Saturday, 12 hours each day, however when coop starts Sept 10 and I am teaching two classes there, that will be more on my plate and one less day I can work. I will probably only work 12 hours every Saturday, maybe a few 4 hour evenings during the week.
Then I go to the other arguement in my head constantly. .,. We need help with this adoption. On one hand, I would LOVE to be able to have the $30,000 in my hand that WE have earned ourselves and not have to ask anyone for help. It is definately a pride thing. I HATE even thinking of needing someone elses help. And I think, why should anyone help us. I don't blame them, they earned their money, dont expect them to help you with it.
Then I think on the other hand it would be helping 2 children without hope, find a family, who will love them as their own, so it wouldn't be a bad investment. The Bible tells us to help orphans, many times over. Many people are unable or unwilling to adopt, but they can still obey God by helping the orphan get in a permanent home.
So there is the constant craziness going on in my head.
Take it as you will.